Things have been okay. Ups and downs of course, and moments when I felt I wanted to die. I see things getting better or either everything shattering into pieces, and sanity is just locked away into oblivion. I see things going in so many different directions...

I'm happy with Jonathan, and I love him so much. Recently we broke up for about 10 hours, and I couldn't take it. Yes, there were tears. We agreed to start over. Fresh and new. The past didn't matter anymore.

Yesterday, something happened, and I am ashamed. A friend of mine was making a mask in ceramics, and I was telling him how it looked so cool, and blah blah blah. So he asked me if I wanted to see the other one. We went to the room in the back of the class (where "special" sculptures are stored). He walked in quickly, and I walked in after him. He stood there, and I looked around, wondering when he was going to show me his clay mask. That's when he held his arms out, and confused, I held mine out while standing in front of him, assuming he just wanted an innocent hug (what a fucking lie) and he pulled me closer to him. He hugged me. He then released his embrace, and put my face in his hands, and gestured to kiss me. I felt his breath just lingering there across my lips, and it was tempting. My eyes closed, and just that instant, Jonathan crossed my mind. I stood still right before I felt myself leaning in to kiss him. My arms were around him, and I paniced. I felt confused, worried, angry, upset, hurt, and sad, all in one. I had nothing to say, so I just broke the silence with, "What just happened? I have a boyfriend." He then said, "Oh, I didn't know. So, even if you're still dating him, you won't kiss me?" With hesitation, I began to shake my head no, and replied, "Maybe not.". Then shortly after looking at the mask, I left out of the room. I pondered over whether Jonathan should know about this or not.

I ended up telling him. He knows the guy. At first, I was afraid to mention his name, but then I just ended up telling him who this guy was.

I feel horrible, and it hurts that I can't promise him that I'll be faithful to him forever. It's so early in the realtionship, and I'm already thinking this way. I feel so useless. I feel like shit. I wish I didn't feel this way.